This post was originally written for subscribers of the daily taryn, a daily email newsletter/writing project . Now's the perfect time to join, so I'll hold while you do so. Love u.
The daily-ness of this newsletter is almost over, and I feel slightly bad for not creating one main post all about “gay stuff” — especially since that was the number one requested topic. Instead of creating that post, I’m going to tell you why I won’t.
why I haven’t talked much about gay stuff
There’s a few reasons, really.
First, I’ve talked about it a lot already.
Like, a lot. Like, if you’re gay, I think that’s probably how you found me. If you’re not gay, you’re probably indirectly gay from how much I’ve talked about it.
I wrote about my first gay relationship, and girls just smell better. Read that here.
I wrote about some advice for church-going baby gays, because I was one. Read that here.
I interviewed my first girlfriend about finding love and hiding love and losing love, and it was really sweet. Listen to that here.
I interviewed my current girlfriend about labels and why we hate them but want them. Listen to that here.
I made a video for Kristina that I have literally never shown anyone except her. I made it for her one day with footage I had laying around after I realized how much I film her, because I think she’s the most pretty. I just watched it again. It’s really, really special to me — not because it’s good (beware - it’s not), but because it’s a little glimpse of us. It’s unlisted, but you’re my fam, so enjoy. You can watch that here.
So, yeah. I’ve made a lot of things about it. Things I’m really proud of, and things that sometimes make me feel like I’ve said it all. But there’s more to it.
Next, I haven’t talked about it much because I don’t want it to be all of who I am.
My sexuality is a part of me. It is not all of me. I don’t want to be a “gay writer” or “gay podcaster” or “gay _____” because it makes me feel smaller than I am. Not because “gay” but because label. Besides being gay, I’m also kind. But could you imagine if all I ever wrote about was being kind? How to be kind. Why you should be kind. Why being kind is the best way to be. When I knew I was the most kind. What to do when I’m not feeling kind. It would get old, for the reader and the writer, and I’d become “the kind girl.”
I try hard not to over-identify with any one thing because it makes me feel less like me — a dynamic, changing, multi-traited person.
That said, I love talking about it. I know it’s important to — I know it’s helpful and it matters and it helps you and me and all of us feel a little less alone. I just don’t want to talk about… only that, you know?
Lastly, I’m still figuring out how to be gay.
This is true. I literally don’t know. Probably the least comfortable I feel is when I’m with other gay people — I don’t feel gay enough, or like I’ve been through enough “gay stuff” to be a voice for us all. It’s very, very weird that’s a real fear of mine, but it is. I have lots of friends who are professional gays, and I’d trust them with all of my gay questions and problems. But I don’t feel like that — I feel like I’m still figuring it all out.
I don’t know what I label myself as. I say “gay'“ in this post because it’s easy, not because it perfectly fits.
I don’t know if I find men or women more attractive. It feels obvious to say, “it depends on the person.” But it does.
I don’t know if I feel fully confident out in public with a girl yet. Actually — I do know how I feel about that — somedays it’s easier than others. I don’t know how I feel about how I feel, though.
I don’t know anything about gay culture. I don’t know which celebrities are gay, or who the true gay icons are.
I don’t know huge gay moments in history. Gay literature. Gay activists. Gay issues.
I very much still feel like a baby gay. Like I’m still quietly peeking out from inside the closet, just barely entering the rest of the room. I don’t know how to be gay, but I’m… trying?
When in doubt, weave it in
So. Instead of big soap boxy posts where I pretend to be certain about all the things gay-life has to offer, I have taken a stance that feels more realistic to me. Like I do any other topic, I weave in the gay naturally.
When I talk about my Saturdays, I also talk about Kristina and how cute she is.
When I talk about Love Island and The Bachelor and all the glorious TV I love, I point out that I kinda like everyone — maybe the girls more? Who knows.
When I talk about hard things, I talk about coming out.
When I talk about life, I weave it in. It’s a part of the picture — not the whole thing, but a part, and a part that I love.
So, yeah. That’s why I didn’t make a “fully gay post” this time around.
Talk tomorrow,
Your friend,
Taryn
Hi. I can't believe you read this — it actually means the world to me. Now that you're on a roll of making me happy, I'd like to give you 2 options to keep the fun going. 1) If you'd share this with someone or a feed of someones, or 2) you joined my newsletter. If that's not your thing, I'll love you regardless, but I'll do some middle school love letter journaling about you if you do either. Head here to join my list of gorgeous subscribers.