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The daily-ness of this newsletter is almost over, and I feel slightly bad for not creating one main post all about “gay stuff” — especially since that was the number one requested topic. Instead of creating that post, I’m going to tell you why I won’t.
why I haven’t talked much about gay stuff
There’s a few reasons, really.
First, I’ve talked about it a lot already.
Like, a lot. Like, if you’re gay, I think that’s probably how you found me. If you’re not gay, you’re probably indirectly gay from how much I’ve talked about it.
I wrote about my first gay relationship, and girls just smell better. Read that here.
I wrote about some advice for church-going baby gays, because I was one. Read that here.
I interviewed my first girlfriend about finding love and hiding love and losing love, and it was really sweet. Listen to that here.
I interviewed my current girlfriend about labels and why we hate them but want them. Listen to that here.
I made a video for Kristina that I have literally never shown anyone except her. I made it for her one day with footage I had laying around after I realized how much I film her, because I think she’s the most pretty. I just watched it again. It’s really, really special to me — not because it’s good (beware - it’s not), but because it’s a little glimpse of us. It’s unlisted, but you’re my fam, so enjoy. You can watch that here.
So, yeah. I’ve made a lot of things about it. Things I’m really proud of, and things that sometimes make me feel like I’ve said it all. But there’s more to it.
Next, I haven’t talked about it much because I don’t want it to be all of who I am.
My sexuality is a part of me. It is not all of me. I don’t want to be a “gay writer” or “gay podcaster” or “gay _____” because it makes me feel smaller than I am. Not because “gay” but because label. Besides being gay, I’m also kind. But could you imagine if all I ever wrote about was being kind? How to be kind. Why you should be kind. Why being kind is the best way to be. When I knew I was the most kind. What to do when I’m not feeling kind. It would get old, for the reader and the writer, and I’d become “the kind girl.”
I try hard not to over-identify with any one thing because it makes me feel less like me — a dynamic, changing, multi-traited person.
That said, I love talking about it. I know it’s important to — I know it’s helpful and it matters and it helps you and me and all of us feel a little less alone. I just don’t want to talk about… only that, you know?
Lastly, I’m still figuring out how to be gay.
This is true. I literally don’t know. Probably the least comfortable I feel is when I’m with other gay people — I don’t feel gay enough, or like I’ve been through enough “gay stuff” to be a voice for us all. It’s very, very weird that’s a real fear of mine, but it is. I have lots of friends who are professional gays, and I’d trust them with all of my gay questions and problems. But I don’t feel like that — I feel like I’m still figuring it all out.
I don’t know what I label myself as. I say “gay'“ in this post because it’s easy, not because it perfectly fits.
I don’t know if I find men or women more attractive. It feels obvious to say, “it depends on the person.” But it does.
I don’t know if I feel fully confident out in public with a girl yet. Actually — I do know how I feel about that — somedays it’s easier than others. I don’t know how I feel about how I feel, though.
I don’t know anything about gay culture. I don’t know which celebrities are gay, or who the true gay icons are.
I don’t know huge gay moments in history. Gay literature. Gay activists. Gay issues.
I very much still feel like a baby gay. Like I’m still quietly peeking out from inside the closet, just barely entering the rest of the room. I don’t know how to be gay, but I’m… trying?
When in doubt, weave it in
So. Instead of big soap boxy posts where I pretend to be certain about all the things gay-life has to offer, I have taken a stance that feels more realistic to me. Like I do any other topic, I weave in the gay naturally.
When I talk about my Saturdays, I also talk about Kristina and how cute she is.
When I talk about Love Island and The Bachelor and all the glorious TV I love, I point out that I kinda like everyone — maybe the girls more? Who knows.
When I talk about hard things, I talk about coming out.
When I talk about life, I weave it in. It’s a part of the picture — not the whole thing, but a part, and a part that I love.
So, yeah. That’s why I didn’t make a “fully gay post” this time around.
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